Ernie Macmillan And The Philosophers Stone
by shiny-sparkles
Summary: AU In this fic nothing is what it seems. The characters are reversed and Harry Potter is no longer The Golden Boy and Voldemort is no more then a father of a little girl named Fleur Delacour. Please Read and Review
1. Uncle Fred and Aunt Molly

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters...I only wish I didn't**

**Ernie Macmillan and The Chamber of Secrets**

Ernie Macmillan woke up to the horrible sound of his Aunt Molly screaming at him "Up get up" She hammered at the door "Now" One more slap on the door and then receding footsteps that told Ernie that she was gone. He heard thundering over his head and knew that it could only be one person. His overweight cousin, Percy Weasley. "Wake up cousin, we're going to the quidditch match today remember?" He shouted excitedly jumping on the stairs over Ernie's small cupboard, causing sawdust to fall from the slanting roof. He opened the cupboard door and was promptly shoved back in by Percy, who was rushing past into the kitchen. Ernie picked up his overlarge t-shirt, pulling a mouse off it as he did. The cupboard under the stairs was full of mice, so Ernie didn't mind them too much.

He walked into the kitchen where his awful Uncle Fred sat at the table, reading the newpaper. He demanded a coffee and Ernie obliged, having difficulty setting the cup down as it was Percy's birthday and there were more presents at the table then Ernie could count. Percy counted the presents and his face fell as he realised there was 1 less gift then last year. Ernie could sense a tantrum coming on and walked out to get the mail, hoping to avoid copping the blame somehow. He went through the post as he walked back inot the kitchen a few minutes later. There was a letter from a distant relative, Aunt Molly's copy of Witch Weekly, a post card from the gold coast from Uncle Fred's fat sister, Aunt Hermione and a letter written in a fancy, loopy writing. He set the mail down on the table and sat down.

Percy quickly snatched the letter from him, yelling to Uncle Fred to take it. Uncle fred took it and Ernie began to protest that it was his letter, but a quick look at Uncle Fred's wand told him to be quiet, as it was shooting red and gold sparks from its tip. Uncle Fred read the letter and quickly incinerated it with his wand. Ernie wondered what it could be that was so bad that Uncle Fred incinerated it. These letters kept arriving over the next week and, event though Uncle Fred cast protection spells around the house, they kept on getting through. On December 28th, the night before Ernie's birthday he drew a cake on the carpet in with his permanent marker and pretended to blow out the candles, after the old grandfather clock chimed midnight. He wished that he could be taken away from his awful family especially after his real mother and father, Hannah Abbott and Septimus Weasley, had been killed by the evil Ginerva. Witches and Wizards everyone were scared to speak her name.

Suddenyl a small timid knock on the door sounded. Harry looked out the slot of the door and the knock sounded again. This time Aunt Molly and Uncle Fred heard it and came thundering down the stairs, Percy close behind them. Uncle Fred opened the door to find a small, balding man standing there "Hello" He spoke in a high, squeaky voice "My name is Severus Snape and i have come to collect Ernie to take him to Smeltings, Harry there is something I must tell you" "DON'T YOU DARE" roared Uncle Fred. The man ignore him and said "Ernie when you were born, there was an irregularity" Uncle Fred's face had gone a spectactular shade of purple "I'm warning you now, boy" But the man called Severus Snape cut him off "Ernie your parents died in a car crash, you're a muggle".

This is a repsonse to Mistress Vamp

If like it please leave your comments


	2. The Leaky Bucket

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you may recognise here...I only wish I did but all I own are Skye Bren and Mimi Jaxon**

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**Ernie Macmillan And The Philosophers Stone**

Ernie stood gaping in shock "I'm a what?" He stuttered innocently. Severus smiled kindly and replied "You're a muggle Ernie, and a good one at that, once you're trained up a bit at Smeltings, I'm a caretaker there". Uncle Fred walked out of the room, cursing under his breath, a vein throbbing in his head. Aunt Molly and Percy followed him, casting strange glances back at him as though he was a freak. Ernie stood gaping in shock as the man pulled out a clock and said "Oh we best be off" He walked over to the door and said "Unless you'd rather stay of course" and walked out the door. Ernie thought for a moment then followed him.

As they walked along the now crowded streets of Surrey, Ernie looked around at the shops in awe. Muggles had amazing ways of coping without the use of magic. Ernie found himself entranced by something muggles called a vacuum. Severus had to drag him away from it, saying they had more important things to do then gaze at muggle cleaning applicants. They entered a small pub called The Leaky Bucket. "Hello Severus, usual I presume?" said the barkeeper, Mot, who was wiping down a large beer glass."No thanks Mot, I'm on official Smeltings business, Just helping young Ernie here to buy his school supplies"

Mot paused in the act of wiping out the glass and said "Bless my soul, its Ernie Macmillan" The entire bar stopped talking and began to crane their necks to catch a glimpse of Ernie. A young blonde woman ran forwards "Skye Bren, Mr Macmillan I can't believe I'm meeting you at last" A young girl sitting in the chair behind him said " Mimi Jaxon, Welcome back Mr Macmillan, welcome back" Ernie shook all their hands and a young stuttering man stepped forward and said "E-Ernie Macmillan, I c-can't tell you how p-p-pleased I am to m-meet you"

Severus said "Hello Sir I didn't see you there, Ernie this is Professor Lupin, He'll be your new Defence against the Dark arts teacher" Professor Lupin smiled warily and said "Not that y-you n-nedd it e-eh M-Macmillan?" "Well best be off, lots to buy!" announced Severus and they bade their farewells, making their way out the back door. "Sir all those people back there, how is it they know who I am?" Ernie questioned Severus Not sure I'm exactly the right person to tell you that Ernie" He said as they briskly walked along the busy street to a large building. Ernie watched on in awe as the elevator doors slid open to reveal a large shopping place "Welcome Ernie" said Severus " To Surrey Mall"

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Please Read and Review! Chapter Three coming up soon


	3. Smeltings School Of Fine Girls And Boys

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you may recognise...I only wish I did but all I own is Alison.**

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**Ernie Macmillan And The Philosophers Stone**

Ernie walked up to the school and double checked his school entry pass. It said he was to enter in the main entrance and into the front office. He wanted to ask Severus what that meant but Severus had disappeared to talk to the principal, leaving Ernie entirely on his own. He heard in the distance someone calling out "Every year this place is packed with wizards, come on main entrance this way" He smiled and walked around until he found the owner of the voice. She was a tall thin woman with a bow in her hair. She looked a lot like a toad. 

"Excuse me could you- could you tell me how to - how to" He stuttered "How to get to the main entrance?" she finished helpfully "Yes not to worry dear its Fleur's first time to Smeltings as well" She gestured towards a young blonde girl standing with her hand-me-down backapck. Ernie smiled at her and she smiled back. A tall man walked over to them and said "Hello, I'm Tom Marvolo Riddle I assume you've met my wife, Dolores Umbridge?" Ernie nodded and Tom continued "Oh my stars you're Ernie Macmillan! I can see your heart shaped just there under your knee!" 

Ernie self-conciously covered his knee and Mrs Umbridge chuckled "Now all you've got to do is walk into that door and sign in with your name O.K?" Ernie nodded and walked in. He stepped over the doorway uncertainly and was instantly greeted by a kind looking woman with ashen grey hair. She took one glance at him and said "Oh, my you're Ernie Macmillan!" I'm Alison Marshall" He smiled and she continued "Now here is your I.D card, We have already supplied a photo for you" She was typing into some strange looking box, with keys at the bottom. 

Ernie took it and she smiled and said "Miss Wilson here will show you around" A young woman with brunette hair and stunning green eyes walked over to him. "Hello Ernie, I'm Miss Wilson and if you'll just follow me this way, I'll show you around the school" He smiled and nodded, unsure of what else to do and he followed her out the door. They stepped into a small hallway, which was filled with students and had two offices, a hospital wing and pictures of previous students lining the wall. Ernie was already amazed at some of the gadgets they used. Little did he know though, the most amazing thing was yet to come. 

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**Please Read and Review Another chapter possibly coming up soon.**

**A/N: Miss Wilson is actually one of my teachers and the office I'm describing is the front office of my school. It has the year 12 photos from each year and pictures of teachers when they were teenagers(They're good for a laugh).**


	4. An Action Packed Day

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you may recognize…I only wish I did but I only own the teachers (not literally)**

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**An Action-Packed Day**

Ernie walked around the school with Miss Wilson, taking in its splendor. Considering its history for being a terrible school, it didn't pull up all that bad. After Miss Wilson had shown him around the entire school, three bells rang out. Ernie jumped and asked "What on earth was that?" Miss Wilson simply smiled and replied "That's just the assembly bell" She led him down to a large gym that was at the side of the school. He walked in one of the doors and Miss Wilson disappeared from his side. He was momentarily worried until he saw her talking to a young man standing at the front of the hall.

He sat down in a line that was being marked out by a short woman with blonde hair and blue eyes. He sat down and the man began to speak. Several teachers spoke at the assembly, such as Mrs. Bowes, Mrs. McCann, Mr. Wilson and Miss Finlay. Finally the young man, who was known as Matt Binks, called up Miss McCann, the final speaker of the day. The short, blonde woman stepped forward and began to speak into a long, thin tube that seemed to magnify her voice.

"Hey guys, I'm just here to announce the arrival of Ernie Macmillan" At her words, the entire school seemed to enter uproar. Every student was craning their necks, trying to catch a glimpse of the famous Ernie Macmillan "Now" Miss McCann continued "I do ask that you treat him with the same respect that you treat each other" A few students sniggered at this but Miss McCann pointedly ignored them. "Also, can any members of the girl's hockey team see me directly after the assembly over by the PDHPE staffroom? Thanks"

She walked back to the side and Matt took back the students attention. "O.k., Anyone who is going on the footy excursion, Can you please meet with Mr. Wilson afterwards? Thanks, you can go off to ten minute break now" The students began to chat almost immediately as they left the gym and Ernie found himself lost in a sea of students, all eager to get out of the sweltering hot gym. He met Miss Wilson again and she led him to a small room which Ernie assumed to be the PDHPE staffroom.

She explained to him a few things in the school and gave him a timetable and a small card with his name written on it. He was then sent off to lessons. His first lesson of the day was English, with Mrs. McCann. He was unsure what this subject was about but he was intrigued. He wished to find and when the bell finally rang, he went off to this lesson gladly, unaware whom he was about to meet.

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**Please Read and Review **

Thanks to everyone who has either read or reviewed my story ♥Hands out virtual cookies♥

A/N: Before you ask, yes Miss McCann, Mrs. Bowes, Mrs. McCann, Mr. Wilson and Miss Finlay are other teachers at my school. I could make some teachers up but I just don't feel up to it tonight. Oh and also, I finally got Microsoft Word 2007 installed so there shouldn't be any mistakes in any more of my stories. 


	5. An English Lesson

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone you may recognize…I only wish I did.**

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**Ernie Macmillan and the Philosophers Stone**

Ernie was still stunned as he sat in English, trying to understand what Mrs McCann was saying. Something about verbs and adjectives used in everyday writing. Hogwarts had never taught any of this stuff and he was struggling to understand. Mrs McCann finished her talk to the class and put two young boys, Harry and Draco, on detention for falling asleep. She picked up a stack of sheets and began to hand them out just as the door banged open to reveal a flustered-looking young girl. She had long, wavy black hair and looked as though she may have been from India. Mrs McCann did not look in the least bit impressed at her untimely arrival.

"And where, may I ask, have you been?" she questioned but the girl simply rolled her eyes and said "Well obviously, I haven't been in class, if that's what you're asking" Ernie was shocked at how rude she was but Mrs McCann didn't seem to notice. She motioned for the girl to sit down and wrote her name on the blackboard, under the white line of Detention. The girl sat next to Ernie and pulled out her books and pencil case, oblivious to Ernie staring at her. When she finally did notice she snapped irritably "What the hell are you looking at?" Ernie looked away, embarrassed at being caught staring.

The lesson was rather awkward, during which Ernie learnt that the girls name was Parvati Patil and she was the leader of The Populars, or as the boy sitting on the other side of him, Severus Snape, referred to them, The Bitches. She only talked to him once after that, asking him if she could borrow his paper. Ernie knew that was cheating so he refused. She glared at him and asked Severus the same question. He looked over his hook nose and replied "Piss off" When the bell for lunch finally rang, Ernie was only too happy to get out of that classroom. He hoped he didn't have to go back there today.

Ernie sat on his own at lunch in the gym, where the cheerleaders were practicing their latest routine. Ernie was fascinated by this and was therefore surprised when the next bell rang, signaling period seven and eight. As he got up to go, a cheerleader walked up to him and said "Hey, my advice, don't tease Miss Finlay's choreography or she'll hunt you down and kill you "The guy grinned and walked off, leaving Ernie to wonder whether or not he was joking. The last class Ernie had for the day was Woodwork with Mr. Ashton. He arrived at J07 just as the class was going in, nearly walking smack-bang into Mr. Ashton himself.

Ernie was embarrassed but Mr. Ashton just laughed it off and walked into the classroom, assuming Ernie would follow. Ernie soon discovered that Mr. Ashton was a very easy-going teacher and had a great sense of humor, so long as you weren't doing anything wrong. The only time he got annoyed with a few people was when a boy named Aberforth and his twin brother Albus chased each other with sticky glue all over their hands. They also put it on the underside of the bench, resulting in Mr. Ashton having his hands glued to the bench. When the last bell rang Ernie felt kind of disappointed but he knew that he had this subject again the next day so he wasn't too upset.

He walked back out of the classroom and around the school, trying to find the exit gate. (A/N: It's not really that hard) He found Miss Wilson in the E block and she was able to direct him out of the school. But first she asked him how his day was and whether or not he was enjoying his time at Smeltings so far. He said that he was and bid her goodbye, heading for the green gates. Once out of them he didn't know what to do. He could go home but who would honestly want to go home when in his state? Ernie decided to go back into the Woodwork room and help Mr. Ashton finish cleaning. After all, it couldn't hurt to be nice to a teacher, now could it?

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**Please Read and Review**

**Thanks to everyone who has either read or reviewed my story ****♥****Hands out virtual choc chip cookies****♥**

**Note: Mrs McCann really is one of my English teachers.**** Mr. Ashton is my Woodwork teacher as well.**** I couldn't have been bothered making up my own characters when the teachers at my high school already have so much character to ****them. But it really is a legend at out school that if any cheerleader misses practice****or forgets**** their uniform ****or if anybody teases their ****choreography****that Miss Finlay will hunt them down and kill them. Nobody believes it but nobody's game enough to test that theory. And we're not allowed to sit and watch the cheerleaders at lunch, if you want to know. ****Thanks for reading!**


	6. A New Enemy

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you may recognize…I only wish I did.**

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**Ernie Macmillan and the Fistfight**

Mr. Ashton, as it turned out, was only too pleased to have Ernie's help and almost an hour later, they were finished cleaning up. They swept the room, cleaned the lacquer brushes, dusted off the machines, tidied the tools and put away the dry jobs. It was hard work, but also fun working with Mr. Ashton. Ernie quickly learnt how to do things and within the hour, they parted ways. Ernie didn't really want to go home to Aunt Molly and Uncle Fred but he felt he must. After all, he couldn't stay at school forever, even if he did want too it wasn't allowed.

As Ernie walked out of J07 he felt a strange sense of satisfaction creeping through him. Until, that is, he walked into Parvati Patil from English and knocked over the trolley she was pushing. Flour, Oil, Butter, Cake Mix, Sugar, Milk and Eggs spread out all across the floor, creating a gooey mess. Ernie knew she was going to be just a little cranky with him. She looked absolutely livid as she wiped the flour from her hair and a teacher Ernie recognized as Mrs McQuiggin walked up behind her.

"Parvati Patil, can't I trust you with anything? I asked you to take this up to the TAS staffroom and you couldn't even do that without making a mess and breaking a rule!" Parvati tried to protest but the Mrs McQuiggin went on "You'll be on detention until 5:00 and then I'll see how you're doing. You don't have to wait for your friend either, Ernie" she said, rather pointedly. Ernie nodded and made to leave but as he did Parvati grabbed him by the collar of his T-shirt.

"You are so gonna pay for making me get detention with McQuiggin! Tomorrow you better watch your back, nerd boy, cuz I'll be chewing on it! You, me tomorrow on the volleyball courts. I'll take you on and then we'll see who's the better person, me or you" She hissed at him

As she walked off with Mrs McQuiggin, Parvati turned around and pointed to him. She then slowly drew her finger across her throat with a deadly glint in her eyes. Ernie was now terrified but he knew if he didn't come to school tomorrow then he'd be labeled as weak. He had to face this girl and beat her at her own game. Even if she had been playing the game longer then he had, he knew a few tricks. After all, the teachers would interfere after a while, wouldn't they?

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**Please Read and Review**

**Thanks to everyone who has either read or reviewed my story ****♥**** Hands out virtual cookies ****♥**

**A/N: Sorry this was so short, but I did do a mass update. I wrote sequels for a few stories and more chapters for others. I updated: Luka, My Happy Ending, In the Shadows – two chapters, I'll ****Catch**** You, A Broken Soul, This Chapter and Dear Diary. If you want to read them, then just head on over to my profile. Happy Reading!**


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